was the image running through my mind as I recall last nights experience. Should we stay or should we go NOW? This was the question running through our minds as we stopped off at a roadside café because we were tired and hungry after about 100 miles beyond the intense Russian border crossing we had just endured. Knowing we had a long way to drive to Moscow and planning on pushing through the night we needed food, not gas station food. We had really only snacked coming through Belarus and the two border crossings were long and taxing. Not to mention breaking down and the length of the drive we had already made starting about 8 that morning. Ken Stanton and I had woke early and walked around Vilnius looking for a bakery so it had really been a long day.
Standing at the counter of this café @1AM in the morning 4 of us looking at each other after being taken in the back and shown the meat we could order, we ask each other should we stay or should we go? On what planet or what day of the week would we have ever said yes and stayed is still beyond my comprehension but I remember saying yes too.
Let me back up. We had seen a few café’s and wanted to stop Ken was driving the lead car with Stanton and Geoff. I was driving the second car with Bryan. Ken saw something that got his attention so we turned around. He thought he saw a few with people standing outside a café, was the call that came through our 2 way radio so we followed. We pulled up to a row of 3 café’s that were set back off of the hiway. Each had an inviting wood fire blazing in the barbeques out front, but no one out front, except one, the last one, which was where Ken pulled up. It looked inviting but an odd sight to see at 1AM in the morning. Music was blasting and there were two ladies and a man out side this one. The man got up and walked to the steps of the covered patio that had tables in front of the café. He motioned with his hand for us to get our of our cars and come in. He was a slender hard looking fellow. Obviously well worn with life and wearing a dirty t-shirt, Jeans and a ball cap. His smile was eager and his energy was confident. Then we noticed a man with an axe standing to the side of the patio he looked like it was his job to cut wood for the fire. Imagine the craziest man you could imagine and your probably about right but his eyes were crossed and he probably had an eye disease because his eyes were creamy and it caused a reflection in the light that made him look like, well the closest thing I could imagine in my simple mind was a zombie. Bryan yelled through the radio. Check out that guy with the axe and then Stanton or Ken radioed back check out his arm it’s all bloody. He had a bandage from his wrist to his elbow and a blood stain was showing through the size of a Russian potato. The red of the blood against the white bandage was a stark contrast in the dark shadows where he stood with the dim patio lights which somewhat illuminated his skinny but muscular stature.
What do you think? Should we go in? Was the call that came over the radio from someone. Ken was already out of the car and headed for the door he as hungry and not going to be denied, Bryan followed. Stanton and I took a little longer getting out of the car and followed. Geoff stayed behind. We thought we were right behind them but as I crossed the patio the two Russian women were on the Patio had now got up and were dancing between the tables coming toward us. The first one was old and rough looking, red hair with a huge witch shaped nose that looked like one from those story books I remember as a little child her teeth were horrible. She was about 5’ and about 200 lbs. The second was much younger maybe in her 20’s dark hair slender somewhat attractive but obviously had been drinking. A big red mark surrounded her left eye down to her cheek like she had been laying on it for a long time, or she had been slapped not long before.
Bryan and Ken were already in the front door when Stanton and I landed on the porch. The two ladies now up and dancing their way toward us had moved out in front of the door. Stanton and I stayed our course to support our comrads who had just walked through the front door of the witch that ate Hansel and Grettle. I thought we had got passed them when the old one forcefully grabbed my arm. I turned to look down at her and was staring into the most awful mouth I had ever seen as she ask me dance in Russian. At least I thought she was asking me to dance. With a big smile I made a gesture with my hands that I wanted to go in and put my fingers up to my mouth gesturing that I wanted to go in and eat with my friends. I said “no, I don’t want to dance” but what my mind was thinking was, I think you really want to eat me.
We made it through the gauntlet at the frond door after rejecting the chaos on the front porch and barely escaping the temptation to dance with this wonderful apparition of Russian loveliness, that really wanted to eat me. I may need some serious therapy after looking into that mouth. Stanton and I found ourselves standing at the counter looking at a lady that didn’t look alive and was mad for some reason. We ask were our friends were but she didn’t understand. She pointed to a little door with chipped paint and motioned for us to go in. No freeking way dude! It turned out to be the bathroom. I walked to the right looking in a few booths that had dirty curtains covering them thinking that Bryan and Ken had sat in one of them but know luck. I looked at Stanton and said “Not sure how I’m feeling about this right now” when all of a sudden Ken and Bryan came from the other direction with the guy who had signaled us in. They looked surprised and said he took us back and showed us the steak he’d cook us. We all went back and looked at the meat which was in a plastic tube and on skewers. I remember thinking this might not be a good idea. I’ve been told not to do this.
This brings us back to the 4 of us standing in front of the counter looking at each other wondering who was going to say “Hell No!” nobody did.
The meat came out and went on the grill as two Russian women danced with each other to techno music and the crazy guy with the bandaged arm came over and started trying to converse with us why we watch our meal be cooked on the fire.
It just got funnier from there. Which I’ll post later but this is the point we all started laughing and didn’t quit laughing until the early morning hours as we drove through the Russian countryside in the rain.
They were glad we came, we were glad we did. It was absolutely an experience of a lifetime and the old Russian woman didn’t eat us, and we didn’t get sick, not yet. There is more to the story though… I did end up dancing with the old woman and they really, really wanted to keep Stanton.
